I’m sorry for all the really great lies I’ve told.

this is just a drill
we are just playing pretend
in case of fire
in case of earthquake
in case of nuclear holocaust
crawl under your desk
cover your head
the security guards will check for compliance
go out to the parking lot
blast the radio
dance while you wait for
the world to end
when the bell sounds
when they wave you back in
shuffle your feet across the pavement
squeeze inside

this is just a drill
we are just playing pretend
sit down at your desk
this is just a drill
open your notebook
we’re just pretending
do problems #8-16
in case of fire
take out a sheet of paper
in case of earthquake
use a pencil
in case of nuclear holocaust
write your name at the top
crawl under your desk
crawl under your desk
wait for the world to end
wait
we’re just pretending.

They yell and hug and celebrate the fact that they’ve grown up and they’ve done so much and it’s all been so hard and I watch very, very quietly. If I’m quiet enough, maybe I can slip away and I won’t have to do it too.

I cried very, very hard today. Gasping, chocking sobs that I couldn’t talk through. My brother asked me what was wrong, what happened. ‘I’m just sad,’ I told him.
I am not right. I am not right.

I am trying not to drown. I am trying to bloom. Please don’t kill the flowers.

…the evening is absolutely wonderful. The room is humid and quite moist, but the atmosphere is perfect…I’d die in that room, if I had a choice.

Techno Boy wouldn’t believe me, but I told him anyway.
‘I love you,’ I said.
I love a lot of people. Sometimes I don’t really understand why I do because I need them or they need me or we need each other.

I am scared of what will happen to me if I can’t start caring or doing something or feeling something. I am scared because maybe feeling like this is my safety and when I move on from here I won’t know what to feel. I’ll feel okay for once and that will feel so wrong, I will collapse.

I’m quite a few miles away, staring intently at the clock, wondering where he is and whose hand he is holding and if he is playing with this thick silver rings.

It’s so easy to be perfect. Just don’t do anything at all.